Article: The Battle Zone: My First Night in Thailand

My room is my fortress, surrounded by strong screens that protect me from my enemy- the mosquitoes. However, a fatal flaw in the design of my fortress is that the lavatory lies beyond the protective walls. To shower or relieve myself after dusk, I have to enter the battle zone.
My adventure begins with a ceremonial show of strength as I flick the larger mosquitoes off the screen door from the inside. I say ‘ceremonial’ because they return instantly so it is more of a confidence booster to me (that’s right, I can get them now but they can’t get me!) than an effective battle strategy.
The all-important moment involves quickly getting myself out the screen door without letting any of my enemies penetrate my fortress. Thankfully I am well practiced in this art due to long summers of entry and exit into my parent’s backyard gazebo. However, my Guilderland gazebo skills are inadequate for this Thai battlefield… I need a diversion. I flip on the fluorescent light that is all too irresistible to the enemy and with a few last flicks I swiftly slip out the door.
There is a gauntlet to run between my door and the bathroom door where all I can do is pass quickly, swatting like a mad woman. I hit the second diversion switch and urgently close the bathroom door behind me.
Now I am in an enclosed space with a fixed number of enemy soldiers, except now they vary in size, are resting on every surface, and are accompanied by other mercenary creatures. The floor is covered with ‘crawlies’ and my sink seems to be the final resting place of several ‘awkward flyers’ who always seems to be in their death throes (I am clearly not an entomologist).
My next weapon is the shower head. Though I have neither soap nor shampoo (they are in the luggage that was a casualty along the journey to the fortress) I soak myself to relieve the heat, remove the sweat, and create a slick surface that is difficult to bite. Like kamikazes the mosquitoes still try to bite even though they face sure death under the streams of water pouring from my shower head weapon. For now I am relatively safe except for the accidental stepping on crawlies which I try to avoid with a frantic dance.
Now comes the dangerous part- the toilet. I am basically a sitting duck for the duration of my toilet time as I have neither my fortress walls nor my weapon of choice to protect me. All I can do is my crazy swatting maneuvers and in desperate situations use the bidet hose as a backup weapon. As quickly as possible I swat my way to the sink and with some sadistic delight I watch the ‘awkward flyers’ swirl down the drain. I hand-sanitize which will have to suffice until my luggage can be retrieved or my Thai audio lessons get to the part about hygiene vocabulary.
I dash back through the gauntlet, hitting the lights as I go and at last I am back behind my fortress walls. Yes, there has been some enemy infiltration so I sleep under the hot but protective sheet on my bed. With my body armor approaching enemies must buzz around my head and their approach rings like an alarm in my ear and automatically triggers the swatting maneuvers. All in all I did lose some blood in tonight’s battle but you should see the other guy.
To my chagrin I am awake at 3am (jet lag) and during my brief sleeping spell I have kicked off my body armor and lay completely exposed to the enemy. Worst of all, my bladder warns me of the necessity for another battle. Watching all those “don’t get blood clots and die” videos on the 18 hour flight made me get a little excessive about hydration.
But this time, magically, the battlefield is empty except for huge but harmless moths. I flick the screen anyway and exit in a more relaxed, though cautious, manner. Then, when I open the bathroom door I see thousands of tiny red ants, picking up the corpses of the enemy casualties- like medics with stretchers on the battle field after surrender has been declared (the difference being that medics don’t generally eat the dead).
I guess that the ants are on my team and proceed to go to the bathroom in relative peace. I realize that I need to work this food chain if I am going to survive future battles (or get myself on a 3am peeing schedule). What I really need is a hungry lizard to eat all my enemies. I wonder which Thai audio lesson goes over reptile vocabulary?